ninja

I am going to write about cutting fruit.

Each way to cut fruit gives the eater a different advantage, but we don’t often list out the ways. This listing could be a table, though a sparse representation is more compact, and leaves room for comments.

Cutting an apple (around the core): allows you to eat a portion of the fruit at a time, lets you have no trash after eating the desirable parts of the fruit, easier to fit in the mouth / less noisy eating

Cutting an apple (through the core): This is an American practice that I have never understood. You risk more knife-injury, the hapless kids still have to eat the seeds, the seed particles spill out everywhere, and it’s not any faster than cutting around the core.

Cutting an apple (perpendicular to the core): to show that apples are the fruit of God, something something DaVinci code? art projects (look, a star stamp! also we should learn about monocots and dicots*) that seem incredibly wasteful in a modern context but maybe legit in an agrarian society?

[*] Once I was running one of those useless STEM events where we made soft serve ice cream in a bag. I actually tried saying “colligative property” to 5th graders. I also tried introducing graph theory concepts (yes! you said ‘family tree’ and isn’t it cool that you are never your father’s mother?) to a 13-year-old boy and a high-school-aged girl at a party this weekend and that did not really go over well.

Peeling an orange / citrus to eat in sections: allows you to eat a portion of the fruit at a time, lets you have no trash after eating the desirable parts of the fruit, lets you not emit odors that might be offensive to others

Cutting an orange into wedges: Allows you to serve a lot of people quickly while providing them with antioxidant-rich facials.

Cutting a durian: allows you to eat the fruit, lets you emit famously offensive odors, even before eating

Cutting a drupe (peach / plum / apricot / chimeras thereof) hemispherically (free stone): allows you to eat a portion of the fruit at a time, lets you have no trash after eating the desirable parts of the fruit, easier to fit in the mouth / less noisy eating, joy and satisfaction of the pit being free of the smothering flesh as you twist the two halves, as if cracking your knuckles or wiping your hands of some messy business

Cutting a drupe hemispherically (cling stone): sadness. bruising.

[pithy ending about fruits and labor]

launch

This is my internet origin story. Essentially, I was a Luddite from the beginning.

It was probably 4th grade when people began “being online,” by which they mostly meant being on AIM, AOL Instant Messenger. It was treated as another place where kids could hang out, away from parents; in middle school, this would morph back into a physical location, “the fields,” a mosquito-ridden set of sports courts.

I had email: it was from our ISP, Optimum Online. When my friends wanted me to “get online,” I didn’t see the point of registering for an account — wasn’t this the same as sending a lot of short emails? Why not just do that? Why did I have to go through the onerous process of getting an account when under 13, which involved asking your parents for their credit card number and moreover, telling them what you were up to?

I remember the first night of trying to send quick short emails. Too much latency for conversation: it seemed lame and we stopped the experiment.

I then discovered how to evade the hassle of <13 account signup: lie, lie about everything. I just called AOL’s password recovery service and not a single fact I could remember from that time was helping the poor guy key into my accounts.

A bit sad, but perhaps it’s for the best that the away messages and profile text (proto status updates, proto Facebook updates, proto tweets!) stored under FrogertoLily2001 have disappeared into the ether.